these currents are still killing me.

[zo dearest !]

Last night I cried for a good hour or so. Life is full of bull shit right now. My real life friends, connections, and my online friends and connections are just the worst ever at the moment. Not many people know this about me but it's extremely hard for me to make friends. I don't like making friends because I'm scared of getting myself involved in a deep friendship and then having them walk away. I'd rather be by myself than make friends.

I decided this some years ago when I lost the most important person in the world to me. She taught me so much, left a huge impact on me. She got me into making photo manipulations, she got me into role playing, and she taught me how to have a spine with people. I know she still thinks of me, and I still think of her. Never did we get tired of each other. We would sit on the computer for almost days on end with each other, talk on the phone for hours on end. We met each other a few times in real life at horse shows so we had an extremely taught bond. She was the one who knows the entire trauma that went on in my life. She’s the one who can understand how my pain accumulates over time when everything adds up. Small or big. I haven’t spoken one word to her, or heard from her in almost 2 years now. She’s been in my life for 7 long and amazing years though.

Since then I’ve made 3 more amazing and close friends who I know would do almost anything for me. But there’s nothing like that first official friend. I’ve also made some great connections with other fun, and wonderful people; most of them are on this site. But it's still very very hard. I try to get over it, but I'm so fucking emotional. I don't break down all the time but when I do I end up making myself sick from everything. I'd let it out all the time but then I'd have cynical depression, and I'm plain sick of feeling this way so fake my way through it.

I've had an on and off friendship / relationship with this one amazing guy for a year now. I know I've let him down many times mostly in ways to show him I care. Let downs in my opinion teach people things words can't. But he always turns it right around back at me somehow persuading me that everything’s been my fault. We've made about 5 role play sites together none of them being successful for longer then a month but God those were great days. I've treaded through all the shit he flings at me taking it as a lesson. He's a great person with awesome morals when he wants to be, so I trust everything he tells me. I respect him.

One point in time I actually really really admired him. That was a portion of rough turbulence because well he has a boyfriend, and says he's 98% gay. The other 2% goes to two girls he likes, one being me. He causes my heart so much pain. He makes me want to repetitively bash my head with my two fists in frustration. He's done more then enough for me. He's stayed up till 1-2 in the morning waiting for me to get online to make sure I'm ok...because he knows I suck at staying out of trouble. He's kept me away from getting involved with cruddy people. He's like an older brother?

Then last night I had another fall out. Few days ago he asked me to join up with him and a bunch of other famous Naruto Role Play Admins to make a site. I was enthralled that he asked me to help him and the others with making it. I wanted to do everything I could for him this time with this site. Cause he works so hard to try and make the Role Play universe a better place. But last night I told him I could no longer comply. It was hard for me to go to him and say this because once more I'm a let down. But it was in the best of my interest for his site. I have tons going on. I'm messed up in the head, life's being a annoying and I don't want to screw it all up for him. I'd be dead weight on the site due to I'm way to busy at the moment. I don't want to be included with the site if I have little to nothing to offer.

I told him: "Umm hey, I don't think I'm going to be able to continue with the site...I wanted to but time's not on my side and it feels like what I was apart of with Jeff all over again and that blew up in my face, so I want to try to avoid it and not weigh the rest of you down. I know I signed that contract, and it's ridiculous for me to confirm that I won't be able to follow through now...I’m stressed, and totally confused in the head. Which in the end is not going to make me hold true to the admin I’m said to be."

Then he replied with thinking that was not the reason why I was leaving. He's right, it was not the full reason but still apart of why. I then wished him best of luck with the site and he simply replied back with.

What he said: "You know I was somewhat happy to invite and have you with us. And a bit eager to hopefully rp with you sometime, but I was disappointed- again. There's this pattern that you say you can try and fit helping or being on sites with us into your schedule, but then a few weeks later you suddenly can't anymore and it's kind of disappointing. And mostly every time is because of some drama you put yourself into like a magnet. I am disappointed. And somewhat let down. I understand you don't like Naruto, you probably have no muse, and you have better things to do. But never did I think you would be the first to leave. It's not that big of a problem, but I guess this time I'm going to state how I feel, instead of just saying "Okay, it's no big deal. Thanks for the help." You do indeed do a lot for me, and in exchange I do what I can for you, and be there. And you're probably right, I should stop worrying about you. I'm sorry that I "remind" you of Jeff, or whatever the dicks name is. I'm sorry that I'm a failure when it comes to sites. And I hope it will succeed, even without you. I don't want a reply or apologies, or to even argue. I'm most likely being selfish, but that’s just me I guess. So I'll state that whenever you need me when your drama is finished, I'll be here because I'm not leaving."

That sunk my heart into my stomach. I started typing a reply and by the time I was done to send it back to him he had signed out of MSN.

My reply would have been: "You don't remind me of Jeff. I walked into doing something like this with him a year ago when before I knew I wasn't going to be able to stick with it. I figured sense I do care about you, and value what you're doing that it'd be best that I didn't try to make it seem like I'd hold up to it when I know I can't. I really was going to try and do everything I could, and drop anything I could that I had going on to stay with the site, because I appreciated the invite, I loved it. I wanted for once to try and make you happy by completing something I told you I would but I realized that’s obviously not something I have ever done nor can. I dive right into new things. I love new experiences and will attempt anything and all I can, but this site’s important to you! I’m sorry about my choice if it’s not respected by you…"

All in all I really am just screwed over emotionally, and this round by someone I respect tons. =[

[Sango<3]

D= I'm sorry things aren't going to well for you at
the moment. I wish I could help you but generally
I just complicate things and make them worse. XD
However, if there is anything that some random
person, like myself, could do to help you out with
something or cheer you up, let me know. :]

[zo dearest !]

Thanks so much Sango...

I guess I'm just looking for an answer of is it really my fault for what I did? I honestly thought I was putting him and the site's best interest first. =[

I'm so confused in my head right now. >.<

[maat]

-pets- poor Zodi-baby. <333
Just remember we lurve you.

Sorry I can't be more comforting, I literally was just dumped by my asshole of an ex-boyfriend. =\

[zo dearest !]

Tankies Maat. <3

We can be here to comfort each other. D:

I'm very sorry he dumped you...-Cuddles-

[maat]

-squishes-
yep, we can sit here and feel sorry for eachother. <333
...and think of ways to beat the CRAP out of our problems.
hahaha.
-is extremely violent-

-EYESEX-
muhahaha

yeah, he didn't even give me a reason. i asked him if i was good enough to have a fucking reason, and he went "um... i'll have to think of one."
DX